The Two Types of Men

As men, we tend to fall somewhere between these two extremes when it pertains to our perspective on emotions:

We are either disconnected and unaware throughout our day of what emotions we have and how they're influencing us, which regularly leaves us feeling numb, lost, angered, and confused within

or

we’re so aware of our emotions that we often find ourselves lost, overwhelmed, and "drowning" amidst them.

Both, in their own way, leave us desperate and starving for control within. And thus, if given enough negative experiences, lead us to resist our emotions. 

But...

There's another way to regain internal control and power, and it's not through dominating our emotions, dictating an internal change, or punishing ourselves in self-judgment because of our inability to control our inner world. 

Instead, it's about changing, slowly, through the lifelong work of practicing stillness and self-awareness, where we learn to approach the emotions limiting us from peace with bravery, acceptance, curiosity, and compassion.

What are emotions for?

Here is a list of things you can do without acknowledging any of your emotions:
- Lead a large group, company, church, or practice and have influence
- Work endless hours at work
- Be admired and highly praised by others
- Possess an exorbitant amount of intelligence, intellect, and IQ
- Be efficient and exceptionally productive
- Embody impeccable discipline
- Become an expert at a craft or skill
- Make an immense amount of money
- Build a thriving business or organization

Here is a list of things that you won't be able to have without any connection with your emotions:
- An intimate, fulfilling marriage with your best friend and lover
- An unbreakable bond of friendship and comradery with other men 
- A vibrant, passionate connection with your spirit, mind, and soul
- Kids who emotionally trust you
- Peace
- Joy
- Possessing unconditional love for yourself and others
- An awareness of God's presence that is alive and richly flowing within you

It's worth remembering that when we neglect our emotions, we also neglect everything on this second list.

But, thankfully, there is another way.

What to do in a relationship when you're triggered?

You're dating or married, and your wife or girlfriend regularly triggers you (into feeling angry, hurt, irritated, or passive...)

What do you do?

You can blame her, argue, punish her with anger, withdraw and isolate, or complain about how she's not meeting your needs...

or

You can accept that, although it's extremely irritating and uncomfortable, she just presented to you an opportunity to see yourself in a new way and revealed to you an area inside of yourself still in need of development and maturity.

Finding space to process through your emotions in these situations may help, but the worst thing we could do is respond by blaming them for our dysfunction.  Instead, we have the opportunity to inquire with compassion what is actually taking place inside us.

Yes, something unhealthy could be taking place in the other person, but if we have yet to become intimate in understanding our own impulsive reactions, we likely are not ready to venture into her inner world yet.

There are plenty of questions we can ask to find understanding about ourselves in such situations though:

How did her actions make you emotionally feel?

Why did it trigger you to respond in such a way?

How did your reactive unwanted response make you feel? Momentarily relieved? Powerful? Free?

How was she feeling before the incident took place? What about after? Why?

I don't have the answers to these questions, but they are likely buried in her and within yourself under a multitude of similar questions.

So whenever you find yourself triggered...

Follow your curiosity as you seek to understand what just happened. Accept your emotions and her actions and ask her and yourself countless questions with compassion. Never assume that you know the answer and always communicate how curious you are as you ask them to her so she doesn’t feel interrogated. As you’re being self-aware of your own thoughts, emotions, and reactions, don’t forget to place yourself in her shoes too, to try to understand where she is coming from.

The more you understand yourself, the easier it becomes to understand her. A man who struggles with listening to his wife likely struggles with listening to his own heart... 

And it’s worth saying twice, be wary of placing blame.

The danger of relationships is that there is always someone else to blame for our problems.

Compulsive and trigger-like reactions are not reactions to avoid, but rather they are guideposts for self-work and discovery that, if they are inquired of and handled well, lead to deeper levels of intimacy with the person in whom we love in this world the most.

Millennials, stop worrying about changing the world.

Millennials have been told from a young age that they were made to change the world...

Yet, probably 98% of Millennials aren’t leading crowds or movements nor are they the face of any global change. 

So are we failing? 

Do our lives lack purpose?  Are we as worthless, boring, and unimportant as we suppose?

We feel like it.

Though the encouragement to change the world was well intended by former generations, it's left many young adults struggling to feel significant.

Many of my co-workers and friends that I speak with under the age of 36 are struggling with finding a sense of significance,  not only in in their current job and career, but in overall life.

Desiring to create change, holding dreams, and standing up to lead is important, but all of these things are far more difficult than many dare to admit. Most struggle enough with leading themselves well, much less the world. 

It’s worth stating what needs to be publicly obvious, but numbers (of followers and dollars) are a terrible means of measuring success, human value, and purpose, just as much as using a career and work is as a means to measure self-worth.

We need not worry about changing the world because the world will transform as we do.

It changes with us from the inside out, for us first.

And our dreams follow.

But no one wants to talk about or focus on the internal work required to even have the bravery and resiliency to chase after ones true dreams... because dreaming requires leading, and leading, as we come to find, is both painful and terrifying.

We’ve all been told how leadership is a choice and it begins within, but after one makes the choice, the next step is getting others to enroll in the change we wish to inspire and make.

Yet, what us millennials struggle to see is that on some level, we're already influencing everyone around us to enroll in something... whether it’s generosity, kindness, or empathy, or judgment, criticism, and striving- this choice is ours. 

In order for our actions to matter, they don’t have to be before an entire people group or nation. If you help buy a homeless person a meal tomorrow while getting gas, that doesn’t make you any less significant than Scott Harris (from Charity Water) who is bringing clean drinking water to thousands of people across the world. 

So we need not question if we are unimportant and failing, but rather if we are where we are supposed to be?

Are we seeking and moving toward the meaningful, inner change we need? 

Are we doing difficult things that make for a better tomorrow, facing the wilderness in our soul, running toward what we fear, listening to what life is teaching us, and embracing the pain that comes with spiritual growth?

If we really want to set ourselves apart in this world and make a difference, learn to live gracefully and free in the world that you find yourself in right now.

Patience and true spiritual freedom is scarce. 

If you have it people will want it. So there’s no need to go out striving for it.

So maybe you will one day lead a crowd... 

or maybe you won’t. 

Regardless, it will never be what truly matters.

Re: self-compassion advice

Last week I posed this question to those who follow along on my email list:

What is the most important, consistent thing that you do to show compassion toward yourself?  Or, how do you put self-compassion into action?

Here were your responses.  These are incredible.

____________________

I often do a self-visualization of the part of me that's hurting (usually ends up being a small child) and then ask him to come sit with me. That helps a lot. Just asking that he come be with me is a huge integration of myself. Draws me closer. 

Meditation helps by just calming down and feeling your emotions. 

I also often ask myself "what's a really kind thing I could do for you right now?" It's nearly always much simpler than I would have expected. 

____________________

I take time to remember that showing myself compassion doesn't always come naturally.  I tend to be harder on myself than I am on anyone else. I have to be intentional to change that pattern.

To do so, I stop throughout my day and ask myself if I am being kind to myself.  I stop and listen to my self-talk and ask myself if I would speak to another person with the words and tone that I am speaking to myself. We counsel ourselves all day long through our self-talk, so I regularly ask, am I counseling myself with compassion and kindness?

Whenever I start to feel depression or some related negative emotion, I know that it is the time to stop and ask myself if I am being kind to myself. When this happens, I intentionally stop and choose love, compassion, and kindness.

____________________

One thing I have done is to imagine my son as me.  I then go to my son and tell him that I love him, I am proud of him, I love how he builds really cool robots and fights bad guys.  As I talk to him I imagine I am loving and encouraging myself.  The best part is when my son talks back to me,"Dada, you are really cool"  or "I love you too".  I know it sounds different but I actually feel myself loving me when I imagine my son as myself and we go through this wonderful exercise from time to time. 

____________________

I used to expose my sins in the name of light disinfecting my sin, now I am trusting Christ has the sin completely covered and desires me to come close. This results in my pain becoming an opportunity for me to be close to God and man, rather than alone. As a result, I am ending the war with myself and fully engaging with the pain whether it be triggers or acting out, and I’m not alone in it. HALLELFREAKINGLUJAH!! I’m becoming heartbroken for the “before porn” moments I could have shared with a God that wants to draw close and friends that care.

F Shame. F Porn. Hello tender, worth loving, ok to be broken, dependent, open hearted, emotionally engaged self. I’m not fixing myself anymore so he can loved, that’s SO EXHAUSTING!, I’m drawing as close as possible, fully knowing my brokenness is ok amidst love. 

____________________

The way I practice self-compassion during my day is by setting up reminders on my iPhone. I usually have them tell me that I’m doing great or I ask myself ‘Heart how am I doing” or “What am I saying yes and no to.” I also find it very helpful to constantly remind myself that if I mess up on something that it’s not the end and to keep pushing forward. Lastly, I make sure I spend time doing the things I enjoy weekly and that I have days off of work. 

____________________

I do things for myself that I love, even if it's not popular. I love horsepower, I love going to car shows and drag races. Even though no one in my family agrees or enjoys those things I do and I treat my self from time to time.  

____________________

I have a covenant relationship with my morning schedule, this has impacted my life dramatically. I start the day with a quick simple prayer, directly after that I beginning writing, and that's followed up with a devotion. While I dive into my writing I first begin with getting my thoughts and feelings onto paper. This allows me to hand pick the positive thoughts that will impact my day for the better and throw out any unwanted toxic thoughts floating around. This act itself is tri-fold in the Self-compassion department. 

1. It's literally the act of self-compassion, taking the time to be authentic and honest with yourself. 

2. It exposes the areas in your life that you could possibly have/start showing more self-compassion. 

3. It starts your day with victory at hand! You've already won the day and it soon becomes contagions to those paying close attention. 

Hope this helps. Thanks for the opportunity to speak into your journey, as well as your other readers. 

____________________

I close my eyes and visualize God, as a kind, loving father, standing in front of me. I show him my self-doubts, my hurt, my feelings of failure and shame, and I ask him what he thinks about me.

Every time, he grips me with a firm, warm hug and tells me it’s ok, I’m doing the best job I can, and that he is proud of me despite whatever I’m frustrated or hurt about.

I use to have to close my eyes and do this exercise to get to a place where what he said felt real. But after a month of regularly doing this, I noticed that no matter how many times I go to Him while feeling like a failure or insignificant, he would always hug me and tell me the same message.

I’m loved. He’s proud of me. And I’m important.

I now trust his embrace and kind words even more than my own circumstances and doubting thoughts.

With time, my faith became stronger. I don’t even have to close my eyes anymore to connect with self-acceptance and compassion for myself.

Now I know that even in my brokenness, failure, and insignificance that I am still deserving of love.

This has freed me tremendously and helped me become a better friend and husband.

____________________

The most effective way I practice self compassion is always in moments where I make a mistake at work. Wether some says something or not, normally, I’d come down on myself and welcome waves of guilt to crash on my heart. More recently, I have put a dam on those waves in such a way of taking time to intentionally realize all the other factors that play into this mistake and almost always realize it’s something very understandable. I physically feel the difference in my heart when this happens: it feels like a lifting versus a sinking!